I can forgive but this the pain I can't forget Flashbacks pay visits reminders of the night you left I can forgive but this hurt still trickles from deep slips out of me When I least expect it, it seeps I can forgive but the tears, down my cheek they crawl dribbling rain thoughts and memories of it all I can forgive but, I'm not sure I want to talk This heart so crushed I'm still learning how to walk I can forgive but the relationship seems dead Sought for too long Not caring, too much left unsaid I can forgive but I'm ready to move ahead I need freedom It's been too long that this heart's bled I can forgive but, not sure what the future holds I just want peace Sick of digging up all the old I will forgive but these scars I won't forget I'll move forward making sure this I won't regret I will forgive because that's what God said to do I will forgive so I will be forgiven too Copyright © 2021 Aimee Phillippi
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. -2 Corinthians 3:17
Held prisoner to memories, the torment of trauma had been weighing me down for far too long. The abandonment by my father and a nasty divorce from long ago had been surfacing a lot lately, after being triggered right before Christmas. Both last night and tonight, I was right smack dab in the middle of the trauma all over again and this boulder of pain felt like it was crushing my soul. After being stuck in this hopeless cycle of bondage, God moved a mountain.
He has recently been speaking to me about letting my father go, but the truth is, I hadn’t known how to completely do this. While I have done a ton of work on my dad and there have been layers of healing and forgiveness throughout the years, I was still experiencing the effects of this old trauma, and was struggling to fully forgive him. Each time I thought I had left the past behind, another trigger would smack me in the face and the wounds would spew, taking a week or more to move on with my life.
Yesterday, after communicating with my dad and having more hurt dug up, I was hanging by a thread. The trauma and pain were fresh again. Beyond weary, I had run out of steam to keep running the race and I didn’t know if my body could carry on. Looking at all that was on my plate for the evening, I thought I’d crumble, but I made a choice. I could have used a number of distractions to try to cover up the pain, but I reached for my Heavenly Father. Opening up His Word, I asked Him to speak to me and He spoke-Sing to the Lord. Not exactly what I expected hear, but it’s what He’s been telling me this past week-worship me in the wilderness. So, I did just that. I drew myself a bath, cranked my Worship Him in the Wilderness playlist found here and belted out songs, praising Him. That simple obedient act turned my night around. I was in a very dark place that could have spiraled down quickly, but He filled me up and lit me up. Shining hope, He brought light to my darkness. He showed me that He had this-that He had me. My Heavenly Father let me know that I could let go and trust Him with this suitcase of pain I had been lugging around for thirty-two years.
Then, tonight, the thoughts of my father returned and my heart throbbed again. The hopelessness was starting to settle in. Heading down that dark path of depression, the old wounds began crippling me. Knowing my warning signs, I had to act quick. I’ll admit, for years, distraction from the pain was my go-to-whether it be with food, my phone, sleep, work or binge watching shows. Thumbing through Hulu, I knew was the wrong choice, there was no relief there, so again, I drew myself a bath, turned on worship music and abided in Him. Tears streaming down my face, I sang and poured out my heart to Jesus. A few minutes later, I got on my knees and asked Him to break these chains as I handed Him my father and the situation. What happened next was nothing short of a miracle. I heard Him say “get up and walk”. Thinking, I’m in a bathtub, what does this mean? Did a miracle just happen? Yes, it sure did. That soul-crushing pain that had been bearing down heavily on my chest was suddenly lifted and I felt freedom.
This evening, He filled me with joy and broke chains that only He could break. I was depressed and had zero motivation to write before this happened, now here I am at my computer, telling my story. I’ve learned a lot about forgiveness in the last two days. What He’s taught me is that forgiveness is making a choice to release my father, then trusting Him to take care of what I can’t. It’s depending on God to carry the pain, resentment, and offenses, so I don’t have to carry it anymore. Forgiveness is choosing to trust that He will take care of the offender in His way, on His time, however He chooses. Do you trust me enough to set you free? This is what I heard Him asking me. Tonight, I made a choice to release my father to Him and I’m choosing trust.
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. -John 8:36
**an update after writing this post, He spoke again and confirmed the broken chains. While reading another’s blog, this verse spoke right to my heart:
“Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.” -Psalm 116:7
Grief, it comes and goes
like a gust of wind that blows
It will knock you down
then up again you rebound
Out to sea and back in waves
no longer counting the days
The pain and sorrow
it may not come tomorrow
but it will be back
The loss you feel will attack
Wounds opened will bleed
and Jesus’s strength you will need
to walk through the ache
survive another heartbreak
because scars that deep
your body doesn’t release
Left are the imprints
days of old trauma remnants
They’ll surface again
when that gale of wind blows in
Grief it comes and goes
but Jesus is in the throes
with you through it all
catching those tears as they fall
© 2021 Aimee Phillippi