Tag: Chronic Illness

Refugee definition

Forced to Flee: Life as Environmental Refugees

On By PhillippiIn Chronic Illness, Lyme, and Mold5 Comments

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. -Isaiah‬ ‭40‬:‭29‬-‭31‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Last week, my husband and I streamed the movie, The Swimmers on Netflix, about two young female swimmers who flee violence in Syria, we couldn’t help but liken our situation to theirs. While we are not experiencing physical violence in our country, our bodies are being assaulted by toxins in our environment, making us very ill. My husband commented that we aren’t much different than the refugees in the movie. And it’s true. We are environmental refugees, as someone recently put it. Finding a safe place for us to settle has been extremely difficult. We’ve been navigating our way through unsafe and unhealthy territory in several states for the past five years, and I’m tired.

Like the long, arduous trek refugees must make, we too, have had an arduous journey. And, if I’m being honest, last week, I had one of those days where I wanted to give up. I woke up feeling like “death”. It’s the only way I can describe it. Waking up feeling terrible is not uncommon for me, my husband, and our youngest daughter. That particular day, though, was especially trying. My strength to endure was tapped. My body felt like it was encased in cement. The fatigue was unbearable and I was in tears. I didn’t have the fight in me. My Father did, though.

It’s those times where I send this prayer up to God, “I need you to fight for me. I’ve got nothing left.” And I trust He will give me the strength to take the next step. He always does. This is where I’m learning to walk in His strength.

As for the day, it got better. Slowly my energy increased, and my best childhood friend blessed me with some encouraging words that uplifted me. She reminded me how much I’m needed and cared for. And a decision was made, even though we have yet to come up with a promising place.

Although our living situation is what it is for the time being and we have yet another unknown move ahead of us very soon, I know God is always right here with us in the muck of it all. As for what lies ahead, we don’t know, other than we are on the search once again for cleaner air that we can better tolerate. In the meantime, I will work on remaining present, in His presence, and not stressing about the future. And when I need God’s help, I will ask for it, trusting that He’s got us. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

After I finished writing this, I opened this news article confirming what we already knew. How timely, I thought. It’s unfortunate our world has become a toxic soup that some can’t afford to live in. We pay a costly price with our health, yet still find it extremely challenging to gain relief.

https://apple.news/A-WreiXM2S665AU8qp3WouA

The Lord is my strength and my might, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him. -Exodus‬ ‭15‬:‭2‬ ‭NRSV‬‬

Faith, Jesus, Christ, Bible, Bible Verses, chronic illness, covid, hope, blessings

Peace; and Freedom in Disguise?

On By PhillippiIn Other2 Comments

We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. -Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭28‬ ‭NRSV‬‬

Well, it happened. Four years of dodging Covid, one of my biggest fears, and all four of us are positive. To many, this fear may feel unfounded, but for a family living with chronic illness, it can be terrifying. It’s not the short-term I’ve been so fearful of, but rather long-covid, because I know what that feels like. That’s my life already-the unbearable daily fatigue and suffering. So yes, a double dose of long-covid symptoms is terrifying.

Not only have I been concerned about myself, but our youngest as well. Yet tonight, after reading the positive home tests in our hotel room, three days after illness struck us, a wave of peace has washed over me and settled-a peace only He can give. Peace is something I’ve experienced some of, but not enough of. I’ve literally been ridden with anxiety ever since this virus reared it’s ugly head in 2019. But, as much as I’ve scrupulously tried to control us not getting Covid, it’s completely out of my hands. It’s absolutely beyond it.

Now, I know we are not supposed to fear, but the truth is, I struggle sometimes with pretty significant anxiety, and it’s been incredibly difficult not to fear. To be completely honest, I have often succumbed to it. Tonight though, with His peace, he’s giving me another opportunity-an opportunity to walk in faith and trust Him, despite these circumstances we find ourselves in.

If I look at this right, maybe this too, is a blessing in disguise-freedom from bondage, because I’ve literally been in bondage to this virus since the first few cases broke out. Maybe this is an opportunity to strengthen my faith and finally walk in peace, knowing all is well, in spite of the trials we are facing.

*and how timely that our weekly memory verse for homeschool this week was this…

do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. -Isaiah‬ ‭41‬:‭10‬ ‭NRSV‬‬

God is always right on time.

Whirlwind Desert Walk

On By PhillippiIn Chronic Illness, Lyme, and Mold, Faith and Trusting God, Surrender and Acceptance7 Comments

It’s been a whirlwind of a past few days—er or years. I haven’t written much about about our family recently, but to be honest, we are still walking in the wilderness. We left Alaska a few months ago, after struggling with Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome/Environmental Illness.

Our youngest and I were especially ill, but all four of us were definitely not well-so much so, we thought death was knocking on our door if we didn’t get out before winter hit.

This wasn’t new to us. As mentioned in previous posts, we left a home with toxic mold in 2018 after it made us extremely sick. It’s been five years since we left that nightmare, yet that was really only the beginning. We are still being affected, having become hypersensitive to not only mold, but other environmental toxins that plague cities and small towns alike. Finding clothing, bedding, and household items that we can tolerate without too many chemicals is a whole other challenge in and of itself that we deal with constantly. It has been very difficult to tolerate conventional housing and we’ve had to move more times than I can count in the past five years, trying to find air that we can stand to breath and housing livable enough for us. Our world has become so toxic, most aren’t even aware of the number of chemicals and toxins we are taking in at one time, and how it’s affecting our health. For us and our doctors though, it has become obvious.

For the past few months, we have been going downhill health-wise, but the kicker was on Friday. On that day, our youngest and I were so ill at our cabin in Utah. We watched the air quality climb to the unhealthy number of 150. It was our bodies though, taking in those toxins, that were the first to notice. And boy, did they take notice of that poison.

This poison settles in the valleys of Utah, holding the pollution down and appearing like L.A. on a bad day. Apparently, these inversions are common in the winter in Utah, something we weren’t aware of when we felt God leading us there to heal. We still aren’t sure when that healing will come.

It’s now Monday evening, and I sit here writing from a hotel room in Idaho, three hours from our other temporary dwelling that we “have” until May. Our youngest and my husband appear to have possibly just come down with the flu and I do not know what tomorrow will bring. To say we have answers for why we are in this situation or place, is an understatement. Maybe it is just not for us to know. We have no idea why we were brought to Utah or why we are still unwell.

I liken our situation a teensy bit to a refugee fleeing a war, only we are fleeing a war on our bodies, and a civilization that is literally poisoning itself. This week, it’s Idaho. We’ve been here for four days and we are heading back to Utah soon, the place where we have not been feeling “well”. Our next move? We have no clue. What I do know is that I’m fearful of us going back to that cabin and feeling awful again, however, I am going to continue to walk in faith and pray for health and healing for our bodies, as well as our next steps. I will continue to work to build the Kingdom of God, and I will be grateful for the extra funds we received from our taxes just in time to use for some relief in a hotel for a few days. I will continue to do my best to walk in love even when life is chaotic and stressful. And I will continue to stand on the scriptures below.

Will you join me in praying for health, healing, finances to be able to afford this desert walk, and housing and clean air our family can thrive in please? Thank you for lifting us up!

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. -2 Corinthians 4:16 NIV

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
‭‭-Jeremiah‬ ‭29‬:‭11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer. -Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭12‬ ‭NRSV‬‬

Hanging onto Letting Go

On By PhillippiIn Chronic Illness, Lyme, and Mold, Faith and Trusting God, Hope and Strength, Surrender and Acceptance5 Comments

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” -Matthew 6:19-21

I’ve felt the tug on my heart to write a longer post for awhile now, yet I’ve been stuck. And since our lives have been massively turned upside down once again, I need a place to not only process what we are going through, but maybe help another while doing so.

Have you ever thought about what your life would be like without “stuff”? It’s pretty difficult to imagine not owning much of anything, until you are truly without it. Most people have an attachment of some kind to at least one thing they own. Can you picture losing nearly everything you have collected over the years to a fire? Or having to flee a war? So it has been, walking this journey with environmental illness. We have been fleeing our own war. And the casualties have been not only our health, but our belongings and home, for a second time.

Our family has been very sick, each member with varying symptoms, but our youngest has suffered the most, lately. After having taken her to just about every specialist known to mankind, visited the emergency room numerous times, had scans, X-rays, MRIs, blood tests and allergy tests done, we realized the environment we were living in was making us ill. We had to leave our home in Alaska in search of cleaner air and a healthier living environment. So, we are on the hunt. It may seem most ridiculous to the average person-chasing clean air, but for us and many others out there suffering from CIRS (Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome, aka Mold Biotoxin Illness) and environmental illness, it’s all too real. Not everyone can tolerate what our toxic planet has become.

And that brings me back to the loss. Because of where we resided and the treacherous weather on the way, the direness of our family’s health, along with other trials that ensued at the last minute, we had to walk away from everything we owned except a small carload. The loss didn’t really hit me until the last couple of days as we sat in our hotel room-days where I’ve tried to remind myself that when we die, we take nothing with us. For our treasures are stored up in heaven. And so that is how I’m trying to approach and deal with these losses, the second time around.

As I question where we will land, I can choose to stress and worry, or make the decision to trust that God will care for all of our needs. And as a brother in Christ reminded me in his blog, I can look at these fiery trials despairingly or as opportunities and lessons God is using to strengthen my faith by teaching us to rely on him more fully. This made me think of a line in Jeremy Camp’s song, “Out of My Hands”, that says “Knowing I can trust You is a treasure.” He is my treasure-not a house, not material possessions, not “stuff”. My treasure is not of this world, because I’m not of this world. The Lord is where my heart will be.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. -Isaiah 43:2

**For those of you interested in learning more about Mold Biotoxin Illness/CIRS, I highly recommend the Moldy documentary suggested by our functional medicine doctor. It can be watched for free below. It will open your eyes to a whole new world of chronic illness and suffering. Some of you may finally begin to understand the real cause of your unexplained health issues.

https://moldymovie.com/

Faith…No Matter What

On By PhillippiIn Chronic Illness, Lyme, and Mold, Faith and Trusting God, Hope and Strength11 Comments

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

How do you answer these questions from your own child? “Does God not care about me? Then why am I always sick?” Those were the questions our 11 year old asked me last night. And they were tough ones. Having dealt with my own chronic health issues since I was 13 years old, I ran from doctor to doctor for almost thirty years. With few answers, and left completely demoralized, I, too, have wondered this at times-days when I couldn’t bear the agony any longer.

Those many, many days when I felt as though I was on my deathbed, truly wondering if I would see another week, I wrestled with God about being chronically ill. “Why, God?” “Why?” And while I still have my good days and bad days, with my baseline far from perfect, God gives me the strength I need each day to get through. This isn’t just about me though.

To see my own child suffering through something very similar, is heartbreaking. Multiple mysterious symptoms. Several doctors. Numerous specialists. No concrete answers. And then, the questions that I can’t answer. “Mommy, when will I feel better?”

I wonder, how do I fill others with hope when I don’t see an end to their situation-especially my own child’s? This is where faith comes in. It is believing, even when we cannot see. It is grabbing onto Him and trusting, no matter what. When my daughter asked me if God cared about her, I had to remind her that of course He did, and that God is good no matter what.

The questions she asked did rattle me a bit however, I have to be honest, because I saw her in me. I don’t want what I’ve gone through for my daughter, yet these past few years, she’s been living it. Our family has been through a lot, and yet we persevere with God by our sides. So, if she takes away anything from me, I hope she sees that in my weakness, that I’m learning to depend on Him wholeheartedly, and that God is her hope and strength. And while I will do whatever I can to get her better, through it all, God is still good, because He is. We can’t let our faith be shaken in these instances. God is still who He says He is, even in times of testing, and I’m thankful for this.

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” -2 Corinthians 4:17-18

“I will trust Him. Whatever, wherever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him; in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him; if I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. My sickness, or perplexity, or sorrow may be necessary causes of some great end, which is quite beyond us. He does nothing in vain.” -John Henry Newman

**I would love to hear how you would answer the questions above if you were asked. Leave a comment below! And for anyone willing to lift our daughter up in prayer-prayer for good health and full healing, I would be extremely grateful.

Misguided Hope and Healing

On By PhillippiIn Chronic Illness, Lyme, and Mold, Faith and Trusting GodLeave a comment

He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” -Mark 5:34

Are there things in your life that are difficult for you to surrender and place into God’s hands? I realized recently that my health was one of those things I hadn’t yet fully surrendered into His care. A few weeks ago, my family and I made the two and a half hour trek to see an hematologist/oncologist that my doctor referred me to. After I checked in, I waited nervously in the room for an hour and a half for the physician to come in. During that time, I was skeptical of being helped, but prayed and put the situation in God’s hands. When the doctor finally came in, it was one of the most demoralizing and hope-crushing appointments that I had ever had. Within the first minute of my appointment, I knew this doctor had dismissed my case-and he had. He didn’t want to take the time to look into what other doctors had been unable to figure out, and he later admitted it.

What I’m beginning to understand is that I’ve been putting my hope in the wrong place, when it comes to my health. Instead of seeking God first, I’ve been putting my hope in a worldly medical system. It’s a system that has failed me and at least three other friends I know with chronic illnesses, time and time again.

As many of you are aware, I’ve struggled with chronic health issues for years. I’ve seen countless doctors ranging from regular MD’s to naturopaths. And while I have one doctor in particular, who has has really dug in the most, thus far, she still doesn’t have all the answers about what has caused such profound fatigue or the other mysterious symptoms.

More despair followed my appointment the following week, as I waited for an ultrasound result that I was told would be to me that evening, but still did not have in my hands. Again, the tears flowed. Over the years, there have been so many mountains I have had to scale to try to get proper medical care. At this last appointment with the hematologist/oncologist, I was in no way treated like a human being and it made me believe that I cannot be helped by our current medical methodology.

The afternoon of my appointment, with tears steaming down my face, my husband said this: “I think you going in there and saying you were putting it in God’s hands, He just closed the door and solidified what you’ve always known. And, you’ve been hurt way too many times to let people keep doing this. Western medicine is never going to be able to help you.” Shortly afterwards, I spoke to my good friend and told her what my husband said. She said that God had also told her in these exact words “they can’t help you”. So, a new journey for me has begun.

And while I’m in no way advocating not seeking medical care, what I am saying is our faith should be in God first and foremost. For myself, I had been leaning on doctors who couldn’t help me, rather than leaning on our Great Physician in this area. My faith was backwards. It needed to be in Him, above all, not in a worldly system. I cannot hand over my hope to these doctors, who are merely human.

Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me. -Psalm 30:2

It’s the Little Things…and the Big

On By PhillippiIn Chronic Illness, Lyme, and Mold, Other, Surrender and Acceptance2 Comments

“‘The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”’ -Numbers 6:24-26

Recently, while trying to cope with the profound fatigue that plagues me and other challenges of living with chronic illnesses, my childhood best friend reminded me… it’s the little things. So, in an effort to look for those little things…

I may not have the energy to go for a jog, but I can walk the block with my family.

I may not have the stamina to run full speed ahead in a family game of soccer, but some days I am blessed to kick a soccer ball around with my kiddos and play the goalie in a shorter soccer match.

I may not be in a fast-paced career anymore, but my body is more at rest and moving at the pace it needs to be right now.

I may not know the future, but I have the present.

I may not think the most positive thoughts at the moment, but I have His Word to give me hope.

I may not always be able to calm the storms of anxiety that afflict me, but I have a God who is bigger than my fears.

I may not see the sun shining, but the Son is always shining down on us.

I may not be living the life I imagined, but God has a plan for me-and His plan is far superior to mine.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11

Vaccine Anxiety

On By PhillippiIn Anxiety and Fear, Faith and Trusting God2 Comments

Dear God,

Last Tuesday, was one of the scariest moments of my life. For a year now, I haven’t so much lived, as I have survived, in a little bubble, not really exposing myself to the outside world for fear of the dreaded Covid. Tuesday of last week though, took me for a spin. You told me to do something I wasn’t expecting and it turned my world upside down. I was to get the Johnson and Johnson vaccine-something I hadn’t even decided if I wanted. Not only was I afraid of what I would be injecting into my body, and the lack of long-term studies, I was very concerned with how my chronically ill body would react. And just when I said “yes”, I sure wasn’t prepared for the steps I would have to take to get the vaccine.

I would have to go get an Alaskan State ID at a hole-in-the wall establishment that had no regard for mask wearing. Not only that, but I would have to risk my life by taking off my mask with several non-mask wearing people in the room in order to get my photo taken. Sitting outside in the parking lot, watching person after person stroll into this tiny building with no masks, made me angry at them for their selfishness and lack of regard for those of us with underlying health conditions. I was fearful for my life-so fearful, in fact, that I was in tears. Doubting that this was what I was supposed to be doing, I heard “go in”. Was this me? Was this really You? I wrestled. Then, I felt it. I felt Your peace wash over me-the type of peace that settles like a blanket of freshly fallen snow-the type that only You can give. You told me to put my entire life in your hands and it was incredibly frightening. I was wrestling with anxiety and with You, yet, I did it, shaking in my boots.

When I walked out with temporary ID in hand, I broke down. A few minutes later, I got the gumption to continue on the path You were taking me down. There was no turning back now. It was off to get the vaccine. Anxiety still present, I kept telling You I was choosing to trust that this was what You wanted me to do, but deep down, I was still scared. Going through the motions, doing my best to be obedient, I filled out the required paperwork and then the vaccine was given.

It was done, or so I thought-done, until the symptoms hit-body aches, nausea, headache, chills. I felt like I had the flu. Anger welled up inside of me. I had been feeling so much better lately. The chronic fatigue had improved some and the Lyme disease had felt more under control and now, I felt awful again. I was mad-mad that I was sick and was losing yet another day of my life and who knew how many more to being unwell. It triggered the years I’ve spent in bed due to chronic illness and missing out on life and on my family. Again, I wrestled with the anger and the feeling of little control.

Putting my fears aside, what I realize now, is that You were blessing me with protection. Not only that, You were giving me an invitation to live-which I haven’t done in quite some time. You were asking me to trust You with everything in my being-which I again, wrestled with. You were teaching me that You are in control and You know what is best for me-far better than I do.

I’m sorry for doubting you, Lord, and for struggling to trust You. Please forgive me for fearing and wanting to have control, when You are the One who has the ultimate control. You know best, God, and so I put my life in your hands.